Choices, or not
interviewed for a job with the VA serving veterans from Iraq & Afghanistan–coordinating their care as they attempt to adjust to debilitating injuries such as traumatic brain injury, amputation, and spinal cord injury. Basic case management it sounds like, maybe some opportunities for helping create/design programs closer to veterans’ own communities. The catchment area for this VA program covers parts of several states! I think I mentioned the awesome part time schedule. The interview went well. Could have nailed it if I were in a more confident phase, but am happy with solid. If they offer it to me, I’ll take it. Now, how long will it take for them to get back to me?
Today, I interviewed for a full time job on the OB floor where we had the girls. The work is certainly appealing–working with teen moms, grief counseling, adoption, child protective services, etc..fascinating. And there might be the opportunity for some program development–starting a grief group for women who’ve experienced stillbirth, fetal demise, or newborn death. how cool.
Would I be willing for the girls to be cared by someone else all day every day? not sure. I don’t have any models of that in my family and I have trouble imagining how it could work. I’m sure I would feel horribly guilty. Any feedback out there? It also seems like I would be exhausted! On the other hand, staying home as much as I am is driving me slowly insane. I am not doing most of the things that I could be: having time for frends, exercise, housework, creating community…I just feel tired. A therapist today mentioned I seemed depressed. Too bad no job is going to solve that one! But, back on the day care thing, I seem to feel more comfortable with putting Maya in care (on site daycare) than Avery. I wouldn’t be willing to take her away from her preschool, so there would have to be some finagling to get her into their all day option..but even then, they don’t have openings for every day, so it would have to be some combination of childcare options, the juggling type of act I am trying to avoid.
So, probably not. But will I be offered the job? What if I don’t get either?
Good luck! It sounds like some tough decisions. Putting the kids in all day care is the number one reason I don’t go back to work (at least full-time). I feel really fortunate that I even have that option. I think it is a really personal decision and will be different for each family. I also know how isolating it can be staying at home. I really encourage you to get out as much as you can. It is important not to lose yourself. (also, make sure you are getting enough B and D vitamins).
Posted 1 year agoOh man, I don’t envy you that decision. There are pros and cons to staying home and working full time. I think you do better with structure, so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But your time with the girls would be limited and would be competing with household tasks, grocery shopping, and everything else.
I love you and I’m glad you’re back–keep us posted!
Posted 1 year agoAs the mom of a child who has been in daycare full-time since she was 6 months old, I’d say that as long as you choose a provider that you trust and feel good about, you shouldn’t feel guilty. At first, I hated being away from her, but when I saw how much she enjoyed the other children and how much she liked her teachers, I felt a lot better. She is in an excellent child-care situation and I feel lucky that we were able to secure a spot for her at such a great place.
I have a dear friend who recently said that she didn’t want to go back to teaching full time because she didn’t know how she could be with kids all day and then have time to love her own children at night, plus do all the other chores that she has to do. That comment raised my hackles…wild horses could stop me from loving my little girl. But our reality is, like so many others, that we both have to work. So we juggle the laundry and shopping and all the other tasks, while committing to be fully present for her in the time we are together. It all gets done, and she is happy as a clam. And she absolutely, positively knows that we love her beyond measure, but that when we are at work, she goes to school.
Good luck in your decision. Rest assured that whatever you decide, it will work out just fine.
Posted 1 year agoHi Mary!
) then you may only have to do the “juggling thing” for a short period of time. I have a friend in the city who sends her daughter to an all day, every day preshool (I know you don’t want to switch Avery’s school bu I can get the name of it for you want). Good luck with your decision.
Posted 1 year agoThere is no rule that says we can’t fulfill our career and personal needs once we become moms – think of the wonderful example you’d be setting for the girls! They’ll grow up knowing they can have it all: career, family, etc. If you decide as a family that you want to go for one of the jobs – then you can always try it and if it doesn’t feel right you can try something different. Look at it this way, you may feel guiltier down the road if you didn’t go for it. And depending on when Avery starts kindergarten (I can’t remember exactly how old she is
I love you, Mary.
Posted 1 year agoI want to echo pinkpeony in offering the positive side of full-time care. At 2.5, Lucy loves loves loves her school (a Montessori toddler class at a school where she can move up to the preschool room and attend through kindergarten if we choose to keep her there). We trust her teachers and they are such a nice source of support for us. And they really love the children and are kind and gentle with them. No one is sad about the arrangement and it doesn’t feel like a loss. It was harder when she was a baby because I went from being with her PT to full time at 7 months and that was a bit of an adjustment. Every day she’s singing a new song from school or talking about something I didn’t know she knew and I LOVE that.
Maybe it’s because it’s our choice and I want to defend it, but I’ll tell you that I don’t feel like I don’t spend time with her. We have lots of good time in the morning and in the evenings and we cherish our days off with her. We rarely get sitters because we really protect family time. So that’s a trade-off, I suppose.
One factor to consider, I think, is how flexible your schedule will be. One of us can usually easily take the day off with her when she’s sick and it’s not a huge struggle. If you and Steven can stagger your hours enough that one drops them off kinda late and one picks up kinda early, even better. I personally would say no to a job that expected me to stay late on a moments notice and I relish the amount of autonomy I have over my schedule. That’s worth more than $$ IMO.
I didn’t have a model in my family for this, either, and we did have some guilt about it. But we didn’t feel like we had much of a choice and I have to say that FT care is much much less stressful than the first 6 months of her life when I was home 2 days, Nathan was home 1 day, and she was with a sitter 2 short days. I was always running from one thing to another and I never felt like I was doing anything well. I don’t regret choosing to be with her more then, but my work time feels like my own now that she’s FT. I truly believe Lucy is better off because I am happy and challenged at work and enjoy my colleagues. And I think my marriage is better off for this same reason.
On the school vs. nanny or home care decision, we obviously chose the latter and don’t regret it. The school is dependable. I never have to scramble around at the last minute because school cancels. They are trained and well supervised, so I never worry that there’s bad stuff going on. All your old blog posts about finding sitters definitely convinced me that you are dealing with far more stress than we are with childcare! One last thing. If you go the FT route, I really suggest finding a place where both girls can go to minimize the drop off/pick up hassles.
I know that you’ll figure it out. I just want you to know that there is good and bad in all options and that it’s possible to have a loving and nurturing family life with thriving kids with both of you working FT. And it’s also possible to have a tense and depressing family life with a FT SAHM. You just need to figure out what you need to make you feel like a whole and thriving person and then follow that.
Love you and wish we could have a swisher on the back porch together…
Posted 1 year agoSheri
Mary—just wanted to let you know that I am pinkpeony….not sure why it logged me in that way (it’s my Yahoo screen name).
Love and hugs,
Dana K.
Posted 1 year ago