Dream
In the dream, I am in the basket of a hot air balloon looking down at my mom, who is not far, on the ground. We’re each holding the end of a thick rope. I can feel myself rising. I let go of the rope. The balloon rises quickly. My mom looks very small now. I feel sad.
I feel sad now even writing it. I think it’s got something to do with giving myself permission to succeed.
Embracing Hulianna & not understanding one’s self fully
As evidenced by my lag in blogging lately, I have been feeling 100% better emotionally. I attribute 90% of it to exercise, and 10% to a more manageable schedule this Spring. Note to future depressed & out of control anxious, too much in my head self : WALK IT OUT! GET THE YOGA TAPE OUT! START MOVING!
In the meantime, I had already made an appointment with a therapist “Julianna” pronounced “Hulianna”. I was already feeling better at that point, and though I had a variety of “issues” identified that I wanted clarification on.. scarcity of real friendships in my life, way too frequent overwhelm-enment, the differences between how I relate to men vs. women & problems with both ….these concerns didn’t seem to have much “oomph” to them as I shared them out loud. The accompanying fog of emotions that was there just a week before had lifted. The issues weren’t imaginary, I can see them in front of me now– but the urgency is gone.
Psychotherapy feels like a luxury at the moment, not a need. And, just like the new rugs, new clothes, new garage door I want, it pains me to not pursue it right now.
But, at 40$ an hour, I would soon have spent on therapy what I want to spend on all the other wants in my life combined!
I appease myself with my new mantra “oh, well, just having a “hulianna moment”— maybe I’ll figure that out someday. if not, I’m ok.
Improvement
Today was such a good day. A sudden break from the anxiety that’s been clouding my head. Gone.
The day started with a fitness test at 5:45. Hilariously, because I was late (& half asleep & ok, silly) , I somehow understood the instructor to be going around asking us for our ages. My partner said 28, looked about 28, so I said “36″. Obviously, the information requested was how many situps we had just done. Because we are going to compare this number to the number of situps we do at the end, and I’d like to be able to show IMPROVEMENT, not deterioration, I had no choice but to make a correction. So, i had to later approach the intructor with “umm, that was 12 situps, not 36″. She must think I’m bizarre. Ha! Then, because I am me, I just had to tell my partner after class about my confusion because after all, I didn’t want her to think I was a show off LIAR! How horrible that would be! I wasn’t too embarassed w/her because she had done something dinghy in the class also (Um, partner, why are you still standing next to me when everyone els, including me, is at their mat starting pushups?) Recalling all this silly confusion had me laughing out loud all day.
I’m attributing my happy day to laughter, exercise and writing these thoughts out of my head lately. Thanks for following. Hopefully, I’ll have more days like this.
Doggone it!
Whenever I think of my supervisor, a perfectly innocuous nice lady, I freeze with anxiety. Images of her looking (supposedly) dreadfully disapointed loudly flare in my head. Yes, I have authority issues. I’m not sure why all this anxiety is coming up again. It has been about 5 years since it has been this bad. It has been about 10 that I can look at irrational stress from the outside, and see that it’s just the looming monster shadow of a tiny mouse of reality. So, there’s that to be grateful for. yay.
Anyway, my new mantra? Doggone it. Whenever I start ruminating on all my many failings, I interrupt myself with “doggone it”. as in.. I’m good enough I’m smart enough and doggone it people like me! It may just be dorky enough to work. Let’s hope!
Yes–surprise! a new entry!
I might have some new things to say. There are some stakes this year..a story to follow..a job that could be a success or a flop (oh, I hope not!), the resolution of ” are we done having kids?” (or more specifically “WHY do I mistifyingly seem to want more than two..so badly?”), I am digging myself out of a hole confidence wise after a stretching last half of 2009. will I go back to therapy? will it be my standard psychoanalytic fare or ADHD focused? will it help? will I ever figure out how to rely on friends vs. professionals? are S and I always going to struggle vocationally, never quite fulfilling our supposed “potential” or are there soaring heights on our horizon? (probably not) does it matter? ..will our house remain a half finished “project”? (probably)Will I continue to use excessive “quotation marks”? (definitely) is happiness within reach? I hope whoever happens on this will join me this year. It will be hopelessly hapless, but hopefully happy.
did I mention that I don’t feel like blogging lately?
Blablabla. I started this blog when I was embarking on my stint as an ER social worker and adjusting to two kids vs.one: Old news!
In the meantime, I went though one of my more mopey phases ever—ADVISORY: blogging and moping should not mix.
Just in the last few weeks, my marriage, my identity and my perspective on both seem new again. I feel hopeful. But, I don’t feel like blogging.
Come visit me on Facebook!
new blog coming as soon as I’ve got something new to say!!
A “let’s get out of the house!” adventure
We’d been home all day & everybody was getting crabby. “Let’s take the Metrolink to the Arch!” Steven offered. So, off we went! Everybody but Maya got over their crabbiness. This might have had something to do with the putrid smell coming from her pants. Avery was wide eyed. Even I was excited, though this wore off a bit after holding squirming Maya for the duration. But I cheered after our unplanned side trip to Macy’s (Avery had a potty emergency–oh, the tyranny of poop and pee!)—the deserted downtown branch actually had cool Christmas clearance ornaments left. So, we even got souvenirs! Steven said it best when we rode home in the dark, cold.. “It had its’ highlights”. Overall, a grand adventure!
a little more
I was walking towards the nursing station to turn off the phones (we do this before group), and a patient, walking the other direction randomly hit me as she walked by. It hurt, but only for a few minutes.
I managed to escape to the nursing station untill I witnessed her get medicated. Definitely one of my more bizarre experiences.
Maybe it was just some sort of playground hazing type situation. I’ll be a little more prepared next time to (I guess) stand my ground, and what? say”That is INNAPROPRIATE!” ? I guess I’ll ask my supervisor for some tips. And maybe a helmet?
Hit in the Head
Where: Psych floor
When: Right before I led my first group (on stress management)
By Whom: A Patient
With What: Her fist, I think
The worst part: Getting speed-walked chased by her as she attempted to intimidate me afterwards (with some success)
Holiday Break
Can there be any better Christmas than Christmas with three year olds? It was a fun, relaxed Christmas for us, despite some vexing questions such as “Does the Christmas Spirit look like Santa?”, “Does he have a sleigh too?” Fortunately, Grandma fielded these quite well, with talk of invisibility, mystery and Generosity.
Going into 2009, we have a new kitchen floor, thanks to Steven’s dad, and are researching our way to a new mattress purchase (ours manages to be both slopey and lumpy.)
I have suddenly not been getting enough hours in the ER (the trouble with “as needed”? sometimes, you’re not needed), and I have not found a job with a more set schedule either (the VA job never materialized)— so off to the Psych floor I go!
I am getting trained on completing assessments and leading groups in the hospital Psychiatry ward (no, my depression is far from THAT bad!).
So far, so good. I like the clients and the staff with the added benefit that it’s much much saner than the ER. Plus, no nights.
Still looking for better childcare options.
I haven’t felt like blogging lately. Not sure why. but I appreciate you blogosphere friends out there. Your support has been surprisingly significant this year. It’s meant a lot. Thank you. Happy 2009 to you!!
